you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
