I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
