I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
