I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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