I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
