I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dignity is for republicans.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
