I just pynch a tree in the face
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize