dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
