I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
