could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
we should paint friendship bongs
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
