The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
