My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
