Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
