I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
