Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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