I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
A bitchslap is in order.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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