And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
