Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
