Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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