I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
