i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
