I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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