So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
