life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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