can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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