we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.