If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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