I hate your face
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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