Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
