You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
