When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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