life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
