Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
