pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
