omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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