i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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