remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
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