Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
