I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
