mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
