Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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