Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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