mondays should just be called national damage control day
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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