There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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