Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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