I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
