i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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