the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
