he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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