Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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