More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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