wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
