so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
