Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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