so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
